| A wise man once said, "If you ignore something long | | | | someone else, soon the world will be a sane place |
| enough, eventually it will go away." Actually, he said it | | | | once again. |
| several times, but nobody listened so he left.That old | | | | A "retired" Beanie Baby, one that has been taken |
| saw is one reason I've never done a column on | | | | out of circulation, can go for a thousand times its |
| Beanie Babies. I thought that if I could just resist the | | | | original cost. A complete collection of Beanie Babies |
| urge to poke fun and ignore their existence long | | | | (600 in all) is valued at $100,000. Here are the top |
| enough, they would eventually go the way of | | | | ten most valuable.As further proof of the need for |
| Cabbage Patch Dolls and Tickle Me Elmos. Of course, | | | | an organization like Beanie Babies Anonymous,read |
| ignoring them didn't work and I should have known | | | | the following transcripts and media accounts of how |
| better. I've been ignoring my kids for years and | | | | Beanie Baby Mania is affecting our world.From the |
| they're still around, standing right outside the | | | | Disassociated Press: |
| bathroom door, pounding on it, asking me what I'm | | | | OAK BROOK, IL (DP): Shares in McDonald's Corp. |
| reading in there. My oldest caught me looking at the | | | | rose to a 52-week high Wednesday in response to |
| newspaper on the front porch the other day and | | | | the news that the fastfood giant will stop selling food |
| asked if I shouldn't be doing that in private. I think it's | | | | effective immediately and will instead become the |
| time to talk boarding school. Russian boarding school. | | | | nations top retailer of Beanie Babies. McDonald's stock |
| But first, comrade, back to the subject at hand.I | | | | jumped over three dollars per share after the |
| think Beanie Babies are cute, cuddly little creatures, | | | | announcement. A company spokesman said, "Nobody |
| and I will admit to having spent a few of my hard- | | | | wants our food anymore, but everybody wants |
| earned dollars on Beanies for my baby girl to play | | | | Beanie Babies. The change just makes sense."Tom |
| with (I can hear many of you screaming, "They're | | | | Brokaw, NBC Nightly News: |
| not meant to be played with!"). But never have I sat | | | | "Addressing a large crowd in Lahore, Pakistan on |
| outside a McDonald's at two in the morning waiting | | | | Saturday, Pakistani Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif |
| for it to open so I could get an Egg McMuffin and a | | | | defended his country's decision to detonate six |
| Teenie Beanie to go. And I apologize in advance if I | | | | nuclear devices last week and said that Pakistan will |
| insult anyone, but I think people who go to such | | | | continue nuclear testing until India signs the "No Nuke" |
| great lengths to buy a child's toy need help. And | | | | test treaty and the Ty Corporation gives every man, |
| that's what this column is all about.You see, my | | | | woman and child in Pakistan a Nana the Monkey |
| sister, a normally sane, rational human being, is awash | | | | Beanie Baby. More now from Christiana Amonpour in |
| in the Beanie Baby craze. She has tiny synthetic | | | | Lahore..."Bernard Shaw, CNN Headline News: |
| pellets racing through her veins and they are starting | | | | "This just in: Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr has |
| to affect every facet of her life. She is the reason I | | | | announced that he is issuing subpoenas to executives |
| am willing to break my vow of ignorance and speak | | | | of the Ty Corporation, the company that markets |
| out against these demons in plush clothing. The | | | | Beanie Babies. Starr claims his investigations have |
| thought of her sitting outside a Hallmark store at | | | | revealed that President Clinton gave Monica Lewinsky |
| three in the morning staring blindly at a dog- eared | | | | a 'Grunt the Razorback Pig' Beanie Baby as a gift |
| copy of "The Beanie Baby Bible" just sends chills | | | | after a sexual encounter in the White House."Mike |
| down my spine. The woman needs help, my friends, | | | | Wallace, 60 Minutes: |
| and I am willing to take on the task at hand.So, to | | | | "The Ty Corporation, the company that sells Beanie |
| help my dear sister and the millions of others who | | | | Babies, is so secretive that not even the US |
| have fallen under the spell of Beanie Baby mania, I | | | | government knows who is in charge. The company |
| am officially founding Beanie Babies Anonymous, an | | | | continually refused our requests for interviews and, in |
| organization dedicated to helping you just say no to | | | | an anonymously-signed statement, said that, quote, |
| Beanie Babies. BBA will follow a simple 4-step | | | | '...if you do not immediately cease with your |
| program designed to help even the most severely- | | | | investigation into our operation we will have no choice |
| addicted junkie kick his/her Beanie Baby habit.Here | | | | but to send out a very large blue bear to bite your |
| are the 4 steps of BBA. Follow them to the letter | | | | head off.' Unquote."Dan Rather, CBS Evening News: |
| and soon your life will be yours to live again:Step 1) | | | | "Good evening. The bottom fell out of the Beanie |
| Admit you have a problem: The first step in any | | | | Baby market today when it was revealed that the |
| recovery program is admitting that you have a | | | | man in charge of the Ty Corporation, the mysterious |
| problem. Here are the three warning signs of Beanie | | | | company behind the popular line of plush toys, is |
| Baby Addiction. If you can relate to at least one of | | | | none other than Microsoft CEO Bill Gates himself. |
| them, you are a Beanie Baby Junkie.(1) You would | | | | Competing manufacturers of teddy bears and other |
| willingly camp out all night outside a McDonald's in the | | | | plush toys have come out accusing Gates of trying |
| highest crime district in town just to be the first in | | | | to monopolize the plush toy industry, prompting the |
| line on Teenie Beanie day. | | | | Justice Department to order an immediate |
| (2) You have no qualms about snatching Beanie | | | | investigation."Alright, I made those up. But the |
| Babies from the hands of little children and if it makes | | | | following accounts are real, as reported by the |
| them cry, well tough patootie! And | | | | Associated Press:Forty guns were handed over to |
| (3) If you can't swing a dead cat (is there a dead | | | | police in Kanakakee, Ill., in exchange for Teenie |
| cat Beanie?) anywhere in your house without hitting | | | | Beanie Babies, miniature versions of Beanie Babies |
| a display of Beanie Babies, you have a problem. A big | | | | given out by McDonald's as a Happy Meals premium. |
| problem. | | | | The no-questions-asked swap brought in 23 pistols |
| Step 2) | | | | and 17 shotguns in one day.In an attempt to thwart |
| Admit that your addiction is harmful to others: | | | | the smuggling in of Beanie Babies available only in |
| You've probably been too busy feeding that Beanie | | | | Canada, the U.S. Customs Service strictly enforces a |
| Baby monkey on your back to notice that the rest | | | | one-Beanie rule. "A consumer is allowed to have one |
| of your life has gone to pot. Your addiction not only | | | | Beanie Baby for personal use every 30 days,'' says |
| affects you, but those closest to you. Have your | | | | Customs officer Ralph Hackney. Any more are |
| children moved in with relatives because you forgot | | | | subject to seizure.Customs agents seized an incoming |
| to fix dinner eighteen nights in a row because you | | | | shipment at O'Hare International Airport last |
| were busy dusting the tags in your Beanies' ears? Did | | | | December. Their catch: 456 imitations of Beanie |
| you angrily take the family dog to the pound and | | | | Babies. Most were fake versions of "Grunt," the toy |
| order them to "Gas the SOB!" just because he | | | | red razorback pig that is considered a collector's |
| growled at your Princess Di Beanie Bear? Have you | | | | items and sells for as much as $130 each.The |
| been served with divorce papers that contain the | | | | Minnesota Better Business Bureau runs a Beanie Baby |
| phrase "refuses to consummate marriage because it | | | | hotline to warn consumers of suspected counterfeits. |
| would disturb Happy the Hippo's nap?" If so, you | | | | |
| owe everyone you know a big apology, especially | | | | Basketball's Philadelphia 76ers handed out 5,000 |
| your dog, God rest his soul. | | | | Beanies to children 12 and under during a game this |
| Step 3) | | | | year against the Golden State Warriors. It was only |
| Cast the snake from the garden: This is perhaps the | | | | the second sellout game of the 76ers season. The |
| most difficult, yet most important mile marker on the | | | | other was against the Michael Jordan and the Bulls.A |
| road to recovery. This is where you rid your life of | | | | crowd of thousands lined up outside a store in San |
| the furry, little monsters that have almost driven you | | | | Mateo, Calif., for the chance to buy new and retired |
| to the point of no return. Follow my directions to the | | | | Beanie Babies at below-market prices. The store |
| letter and do it quickly, without thinking, because if | | | | gave out tickets, then called out random numbers. |
| you stop to think about what you're doing, your | | | | Those selected got to go in and buy the toys for |
| addiction will take the upper hand and you will be lost | | | | $5.99 each.Burglars broke into a suburban Chicago |
| again. With that in mind, here is the biggest step you | | | | home in mid-April. They left the TV, stereo and most |
| must take: Box up every Beanie Baby you own, | | | | other valuables, but made off with a gold ring and a |
| especially Peanut the Elephant and Brownie the Bear, | | | | number of Beanie Babies, all valued at $4,000.In |
| and send them to me, Tim Knox, Director of Beanie | | | | Orange County, California, owners of a collectibles |
| Babies Anonymous, in care of this website. Send me | | | | shop were treated and released for head injuries in |
| your kids' Beanie Babies, too! I will take these vile | | | | early April after being clubbed with an iron barbell by |
| creatures and dispose of them for you free of | | | | thieves who made off with $6,000 worth of rare |
| charge so that they will never infect the lives of | | | | Beanie Babies.The final divorce decree for Randy and |
| normal people again. Don't forget, box them up and | | | | Jan Staffan of Minneapolis stated that he got the |
| send them to me as soon as possible. I guarantee | | | | house, much of its furnishings, and a few vehicles. |
| that both our lives will be enriched. | | | | She got to keep her salon business and half the |
| Step 4) Spread the gospel to others: This is the final | | | | couple's Beanie Babies.Shocking, isn't it? Friends, let's |
| step in overcoming Beanie Baby Addiction. You must | | | | stop this madness before it's too late.Send those |
| go out into the world and tell everyone you meet | | | | Beanie Babies to me today!From "Small Business |
| the story of your addiction. Give witness to the | | | | Q&A" With Tim Knox |
| masses. Show them the light. Have them send their | | | | Tim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur, author, |
| Beanie Babies to me. You are getting sleepy... | | | | speaker, and radio show host. |
| Remember, if you can change the life of just one | | | | Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs realize |
| person and they in turn pass the message along to | | | | their business dreams. |