| A wise man once said, "If you ignore | | | | one person and they in turn pass the message |
| something long enough, eventually it will go | | | | along to someone else, soon the world will be |
| away." Actually, he said it several times, | | | | a sane place once again. |
| but nobody listened so he left.That old saw | | | | |
| is one reason I've never done a column on | | | | A "retired" Beanie Baby, one that has been |
| Beanie Babies. I thought that if I could just | | | | taken out of circulation, can go for a |
| resist the urge to poke fun and ignore their | | | | thousand times its original cost. A complete |
| existence long enough, they would eventually | | | | collection of Beanie Babies (600 in all) is |
| go the way of Cabbage Patch Dolls and Tickle | | | | valued at $100,000. Here are the top ten most |
| Me Elmos. Of course, ignoring them didn't | | | | valuable.As further proof of the need for an |
| work and I should have known better. I've | | | | organization like Beanie Babies |
| been ignoring my kids for years and they're | | | | Anonymous,read the following transcripts and |
| still around, standing right outside the | | | | media accounts of how Beanie Baby Mania is |
| bathroom door, pounding on it, asking me what | | | | affecting our world.From the Disassociated |
| I'm reading in there. My oldest caught me | | | | Press: |
| looking at the newspaper on the front porch | | | | |
| the other day and asked if I shouldn't be | | | | OAK BROOK, IL (DP): Shares in McDonald's |
| doing that in private. I think it's time to | | | | Corp. rose to a 52-week high Wednesday in |
| talk boarding school. Russian boarding | | | | response to the news that the fastfood giant |
| school. But first, comrade, back to the | | | | will stop selling food effective immediately |
| subject at hand.I think Beanie Babies are | | | | and will instead become the nations top |
| cute, cuddly little creatures, and I will | | | | retailer of Beanie Babies. McDonald's stock |
| admit to having spent a few of my hard- | | | | jumped over three dollars per share after the |
| earned dollars on Beanies for my baby girl to | | | | announcement. A company spokesman said, |
| play with (I can hear many of you screaming, | | | | "Nobody wants our food anymore, but everybody |
| "They're not meant to be played with!"). But | | | | wants Beanie Babies. The change just makes |
| never have I sat outside a McDonald's at two | | | | sense."Tom Brokaw, NBC Nightly News: |
| in the morning waiting for it to open so I | | | | |
| could get an Egg McMuffin and a Teenie Beanie | | | | "Addressing a large crowd in Lahore, |
| to go. And I apologize in advance if I insult | | | | Pakistan on Saturday, Pakistani Prime |
| anyone, but I think people who go to such | | | | Minister Nawaz Sharif defended his country's |
| great lengths to buy a child's toy need help. | | | | decision to detonate six nuclear devices last |
| And that's what this column is all about.You | | | | week and said that Pakistan will continue |
| see, my sister, a normally sane, rational | | | | nuclear testing until India signs the "No |
| human being, is awash in the Beanie Baby | | | | Nuke" test treaty and the Ty Corporation |
| craze. She has tiny synthetic pellets racing | | | | gives every man, woman and child in Pakistan |
| through her veins and they are starting to | | | | a Nana the Monkey Beanie Baby. More now from |
| affect every facet of her life. She is the | | | | Christiana Amonpour in Lahore..."Bernard |
| reason I am willing to break my vow of | | | | Shaw, CNN Headline News: |
| ignorance and speak out against these demons | | | | |
| in plush clothing. The thought of her sitting | | | | "This just in: Independent Counsel Kenneth |
| outside a Hallmark store at three in the | | | | Starr has announced that he is issuing |
| morning staring blindly at a dog- eared copy | | | | subpoenas to executives of the Ty |
| of "The Beanie Baby Bible" just sends chills | | | | Corporation, the company that markets Beanie |
| down my spine. The woman needs help, my | | | | Babies. Starr claims his investigations have |
| friends, and I am willing to take on the task | | | | revealed that President Clinton gave Monica |
| at hand.So, to help my dear sister and the | | | | Lewinsky a 'Grunt the Razorback Pig' Beanie |
| millions of others who have fallen under the | | | | Baby as a gift after a sexual encounter in |
| spell of Beanie Baby mania, I am officially | | | | the White House."Mike Wallace, 60 Minutes: |
| founding Beanie Babies Anonymous, an | | | | |
| organization dedicated to helping you just | | | | "The Ty Corporation, the company that sells |
| say no to Beanie Babies. BBA will follow a | | | | Beanie Babies, is so secretive that not even |
| simple 4-step program designed to help even | | | | the US government knows who is in charge. The |
| the most severely- addicted junkie kick his | | | | company continually refused our requests for |
| her Beanie Baby habit.Here are the 4 steps of | | | | interviews and, in an anonymously-signed |
| BBA. Follow them to the letter and soon your | | | | statement, said that, quote, '...if you do |
| life will be yours to live again:Step 1) | | | | not immediately cease with your investigation |
| | | | into our operation we will have no choice but |
| Admit you have a problem: The first step in | | | | to send out a very large blue bear to bite |
| any recovery program is admitting that you | | | | your head off.' Unquote."Dan Rather, CBS |
| have a problem. Here are the three warning | | | | Evening News: |
| signs of Beanie Baby Addiction. If you can | | | | |
| relate to at least one of them, you are a | | | | "Good evening. The bottom fell out of the |
| Beanie Baby Junkie.(1) You would willingly | | | | Beanie Baby market today when it was revealed |
| camp out all night outside a McDonald's in | | | | that the man in charge of the Ty Corporation, |
| the highest crime district in town just to be | | | | the mysterious company behind the popular |
| the first in line on Teenie Beanie day. | | | | line of plush toys, is none other than |
| | | | Microsoft CEO Bill Gates himself. Competing |
| (2) You have no qualms about snatching | | | | manufacturers of teddy bears and other plush |
| Beanie Babies from the hands of little | | | | toys have come out accusing Gates of trying |
| children and if it makes them cry, well tough | | | | to monopolize the plush toy industry, |
| patootie! And | | | | prompting the Justice Department to order an |
| | | | immediate investigation."Alright, I made |
| (3) If you can't swing a dead cat (is there | | | | those up. But the following accounts are |
| a dead cat Beanie?) anywhere in your house | | | | real, as reported by the Associated |
| without hitting a display of Beanie Babies, | | | | Press:Forty guns were handed over to police |
| you have a problem. A big problem. | | | | in Kanakakee, Ill., in exchange for Teenie |
| | | | Beanie Babies, miniature versions of Beanie |
| Step 2) | | | | Babies given out by McDonald's as a Happy |
| | | | Meals premium. The no-questions-asked swap |
| Admit that your addiction is harmful to | | | | brought in 23 pistols and 17 shotguns in one |
| others: You've probably been too busy feeding | | | | day.In an attempt to thwart the smuggling in |
| that Beanie Baby monkey on your back to | | | | of Beanie Babies available only in Canada, |
| notice that the rest of your life has gone to | | | | the U.S. Customs Service strictly enforces a |
| pot. Your addiction not only affects you, but | | | | one-Beanie rule. "A consumer is allowed to |
| those closest to you. Have your children | | | | have one Beanie Baby for personal use every |
| moved in with relatives because you forgot to | | | | 30 days,'' says Customs officer Ralph |
| fix dinner eighteen nights in a row because | | | | Hackney. Any more are subject to |
| you were busy dusting the tags in your | | | | seizure.Customs agents seized an incoming |
| Beanies' ears? Did you angrily take the | | | | shipment at O'Hare International Airport last |
| family dog to the pound and order them to | | | | December. Their catch: 456 imitations of |
| "Gas the SOB!" just because he growled at | | | | Beanie Babies. Most were fake versions of |
| your Princess Di Beanie Bear? Have you been | | | | "Grunt," the toy red razorback pig that is |
| served with divorce papers that contain the | | | | considered a collector's items and sells for |
| phrase "refuses to consummate marriage | | | | as much as $130 each.The Minnesota Better |
| because it would disturb Happy the Hippo's | | | | Business Bureau runs a Beanie Baby hotline to |
| nap?" If so, you owe everyone you know a big | | | | warn consumers of suspected counterfeits. |
| apology, especially your dog, God rest his | | | | |
| soul. | | | | Basketball's Philadelphia 76ers handed out |
| | | | 5,000 Beanies to children 12 and under during |
| Step 3) | | | | a game this year against the Golden State |
| | | | Warriors. It was only the second sellout game |
| Cast the snake from the garden: This is | | | | of the 76ers season. The other was against |
| perhaps the most difficult, yet most | | | | the Michael Jordan and the Bulls.A crowd of |
| important mile marker on the road to | | | | thousands lined up outside a store in San |
| recovery. This is where you rid your life of | | | | Mateo, Calif., for the chance to buy new and |
| the furry, little monsters that have almost | | | | retired Beanie Babies at below-market prices. |
| driven you to the point of no return. Follow | | | | The store gave out tickets, then called out |
| my directions to the letter and do it | | | | random numbers. Those selected got to go in |
| quickly, without thinking, because if you | | | | and buy the toys for $5.99 each.Burglars |
| stop to think about what you're doing, your | | | | broke into a suburban Chicago home in |
| addiction will take the upper hand and you | | | | mid-April. They left the TV, stereo and most |
| will be lost again. With that in mind, here | | | | other valuables, but made off with a gold |
| is the biggest step you must take: Box up | | | | ring and a number of Beanie Babies, all |
| every Beanie Baby you own, especially Peanut | | | | valued at $4,000.In Orange County, |
| the Elephant and Brownie the Bear, and send | | | | California, owners of a collectibles shop |
| them to me, Tim Knox, Director of Beanie | | | | were treated and released for head injuries |
| Babies Anonymous, in care of this website. | | | | in early April after being clubbed with an |
| Send me your kids' Beanie Babies, too! I will | | | | iron barbell by thieves who made off with |
| take these vile creatures and dispose of them | | | | $6,000 worth of rare Beanie Babies.The final |
| for you free of charge so that they will | | | | divorce decree for Randy and Jan Staffan of |
| never infect the lives of normal people | | | | Minneapolis stated that he got the house, |
| again. Don't forget, box them up and send | | | | much of its furnishings, and a few vehicles. |
| them to me as soon as possible. I guarantee | | | | She got to keep her salon business and half |
| that both our lives will be enriched. | | | | the couple's Beanie Babies.Shocking, isn't |
| | | | it? Friends, let's stop this madness before |
| Step 4) Spread the gospel to others: This is | | | | it's too late.Send those Beanie Babies to me |
| the final step in overcoming Beanie Baby | | | | today!From "Small Business Q&A" With Tim Knox |
| Addiction. You must go out into the world and | | | | |
| tell everyone you meet the story of your | | | | Tim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur, |
| addiction. Give witness to the masses. Show | | | | author, speaker, and radio show host. |
| them the light. Have them send their Beanie | | | | |
| Babies to me. You are getting sleepy... | | | | Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs |
| Remember, if you can change the life of just | | | | realize their business dreams. |