What toys ar good for your kids


Beanie Babies Anonymous

A wise man once said, "If you ignoreone person and they in turn pass the message
something long enough, eventually it will goalong to someone else, soon the world will be
away." Actually, he said it several times,a  sane  place  once  again.
but nobody listened so he left.That old saw
is one reason I've never done a column onA "retired" Beanie Baby, one that has been
Beanie Babies. I thought that if I could justtaken out of circulation, can go for a
resist the urge to poke fun and ignore theirthousand times its original cost. A complete
existence long enough, they would eventuallycollection of Beanie Babies (600 in all) is
go the way of Cabbage Patch Dolls and Ticklevalued at $100,000. Here are the top ten most
Me Elmos. Of course, ignoring them didn'tvaluable.As further proof of the need for an
work and I should have known better. I'veorganization like Beanie Babies
been ignoring my kids for years and they'reAnonymous,read the following transcripts and
still around, standing right outside themedia accounts of how Beanie Baby Mania is
bathroom door, pounding on it, asking me whataffecting our world.From the Disassociated
I'm reading in there. My oldest caught mePress:
looking at the newspaper on the front porch
the other day and asked if I shouldn't beOAK BROOK, IL (DP): Shares in McDonald's
doing that in private. I think it's time toCorp. rose to a 52-week high Wednesday in
talk boarding school. Russian boardingresponse to the news that the fastfood giant
school. But first, comrade, back to thewill stop selling food effective immediately
subject at hand.I think Beanie Babies areand will instead become the nations top
cute, cuddly little creatures, and I willretailer of Beanie Babies. McDonald's stock
admit to having spent a few of my hard-jumped over three dollars per share after the
earned dollars on Beanies for my baby girl toannouncement. A company spokesman said,
play with (I can hear many of you screaming,"Nobody wants our food anymore, but everybody
"They're not meant to be played with!"). Butwants Beanie Babies. The change just makes
never have I sat outside a McDonald's at twosense."Tom  Brokaw,  NBC  Nightly  News:
in the morning waiting for it to open so I
could get an Egg McMuffin and a Teenie Beanie"Addressing a large crowd in Lahore,
to go. And I apologize in advance if I insultPakistan on Saturday, Pakistani Prime
anyone, but I think people who go to suchMinister Nawaz Sharif defended his country's
great lengths to buy a child's toy need help.decision to detonate six nuclear devices last
And that's what this column is all about.Youweek and said that Pakistan will continue
see, my sister, a normally sane, rationalnuclear testing until India signs the "No
human being, is awash in the Beanie BabyNuke" test treaty and the Ty Corporation
craze. She has tiny synthetic pellets racinggives every man, woman and child in Pakistan
through her veins and they are starting toa Nana the Monkey Beanie Baby. More now from
affect every facet of her life. She is theChristiana Amonpour in Lahore..."Bernard
reason I am willing to break my vow ofShaw,  CNN  Headline  News:
ignorance and speak out against these demons
in plush clothing. The thought of her sitting"This just in: Independent Counsel Kenneth
outside a Hallmark store at three in theStarr has announced that he is issuing
morning staring blindly at a dog- eared copysubpoenas to executives of the Ty
of "The Beanie Baby Bible" just sends chillsCorporation, the company that markets Beanie
down my spine. The woman needs help, myBabies. Starr claims his investigations have
friends, and I am willing to take on the taskrevealed that President Clinton gave Monica
at hand.So, to help my dear sister and theLewinsky a 'Grunt the Razorback Pig' Beanie
millions of others who have fallen under theBaby as a gift after a sexual encounter in
spell of Beanie Baby mania, I am officiallythe  White  House."Mike  Wallace, 60 Minutes:
founding Beanie Babies Anonymous, an
organization dedicated to helping you just"The Ty Corporation, the company that sells
say no to Beanie Babies. BBA will follow aBeanie Babies, is so secretive that not even
simple 4-step program designed to help eventhe US government knows who is in charge. The
the most severely- addicted junkie kick hiscompany continually refused our requests for
her Beanie Baby habit.Here are the 4 steps ofinterviews and, in an anonymously-signed
BBA. Follow them to the letter and soon yourstatement, said that, quote, '...if you do
life  will  be  yours  to  live again:Step 1)not immediately cease with your investigation
into our operation we will have no choice but
Admit you have a problem: The first step into send out a very large blue bear to bite
any recovery program is admitting that youyour head off.' Unquote."Dan Rather, CBS
have a problem. Here are the three warningEvening  News:
signs of Beanie Baby Addiction. If you can
relate to at least one of them, you are a"Good evening. The bottom fell out of the
Beanie Baby Junkie.(1) You would willinglyBeanie Baby market today when it was revealed
camp out all night outside a McDonald's inthat the man in charge of the Ty Corporation,
the highest crime district in town just to bethe mysterious company behind the popular
the  first  in  line  on  Teenie Beanie day.line of plush toys, is none other than
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates himself. Competing
(2) You have no qualms about snatchingmanufacturers of teddy bears and other plush
Beanie Babies from the hands of littletoys have come out accusing Gates of trying
children and if it makes them cry, well toughto monopolize the plush toy industry,
patootie!  Andprompting the Justice Department to order an
immediate investigation."Alright, I made
(3) If you can't swing a dead cat (is therethose up. But the following accounts are
a dead cat Beanie?) anywhere in your housereal, as reported by the Associated
without hitting a display of Beanie Babies,Press:Forty guns were handed over to police
you  have  a  problem.  A  big  problem.in Kanakakee, Ill., in exchange for Teenie
Beanie Babies, miniature versions of Beanie
Step  2)Babies given out by McDonald's as a Happy
Meals premium. The no-questions-asked swap
Admit that your addiction is harmful tobrought in 23 pistols and 17 shotguns in one
others: You've probably been too busy feedingday.In an attempt to thwart the smuggling in
that Beanie Baby monkey on your back toof Beanie Babies available only in Canada,
notice that the rest of your life has gone tothe U.S. Customs Service strictly enforces a
pot. Your addiction not only affects you, butone-Beanie rule. "A consumer is allowed to
those closest to you. Have your childrenhave one Beanie Baby for personal use every
moved in with relatives because you forgot to30 days,'' says Customs officer Ralph
fix dinner eighteen nights in a row becauseHackney. Any more are subject to
you were busy dusting the tags in yourseizure.Customs agents seized an incoming
Beanies' ears? Did you angrily take theshipment at O'Hare International Airport last
family dog to the pound and order them toDecember. Their catch: 456 imitations of
"Gas the SOB!" just because he growled atBeanie Babies. Most were fake versions of
your Princess Di Beanie Bear? Have you been"Grunt," the toy red razorback pig that is
served with divorce papers that contain theconsidered a collector's items and sells for
phrase "refuses to consummate marriageas much as $130 each.The Minnesota Better
because it would disturb Happy the Hippo'sBusiness Bureau runs a Beanie Baby hotline to
nap?" If so, you owe everyone you know a bigwarn  consumers  of  suspected counterfeits.
apology, especially your dog, God rest his
soul.Basketball's Philadelphia 76ers handed out
5,000 Beanies to children 12 and under during
Step  3)a game this year against the Golden State
Warriors. It was only the second sellout game
Cast the snake from the garden: This isof the 76ers season. The other was against
perhaps the most difficult, yet mostthe Michael Jordan and the Bulls.A crowd of
important mile marker on the road tothousands lined up outside a store in San
recovery. This is where you rid your life ofMateo, Calif., for the chance to buy new and
the furry, little monsters that have almostretired Beanie Babies at below-market prices.
driven you to the point of no return. FollowThe store gave out tickets, then called out
my directions to the letter and do itrandom numbers. Those selected got to go in
quickly, without thinking, because if youand buy the toys for $5.99 each.Burglars
stop to think about what you're doing, yourbroke into a suburban Chicago home in
addiction will take the upper hand and youmid-April. They left the TV, stereo and most
will be lost again. With that in mind, hereother valuables, but made off with a gold
is the biggest step you must take: Box upring and a number of Beanie Babies, all
every Beanie Baby you own, especially Peanutvalued at $4,000.In Orange County,
the Elephant and Brownie the Bear, and sendCalifornia, owners of a collectibles shop
them to me, Tim Knox, Director of Beaniewere treated and released for head injuries
Babies Anonymous, in care of this website.in early April after being clubbed with an
Send me your kids' Beanie Babies, too! I williron barbell by thieves who made off with
take these vile creatures and dispose of them$6,000 worth of rare Beanie Babies.The final
for you free of charge so that they willdivorce decree for Randy and Jan Staffan of
never infect the lives of normal peopleMinneapolis stated that he got the house,
again. Don't forget, box them up and sendmuch of its furnishings, and a few vehicles.
them to me as soon as possible. I guaranteeShe got to keep her salon business and half
that  both  our  lives  will  be  enriched.the couple's Beanie Babies.Shocking, isn't
it? Friends, let's stop this madness before
Step 4) Spread the gospel to others: This isit's too late.Send those Beanie Babies to me
the final step in overcoming Beanie Babytoday!From "Small Business Q&A" With Tim Knox
Addiction. You must go out into the world and
tell everyone you meet the story of yourTim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur,
addiction. Give witness to the masses. Showauthor,  speaker,  and  radio  show  host.
them the light. Have them send their Beanie
Babies to me. You are getting sleepy...Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs
Remember, if you can change the life of justrealize their business dreams.



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