Beanie Babies Anonymous

A wise man once said, "If you ignore something longsomeone else, soon the world will be a sane place
enough, eventually it will go away." Actually, he said itonce again.
several times, but nobody listened so he left.That oldA "retired" Beanie Baby, one that has been taken
saw is one reason I've never done a column onout of circulation, can go for a thousand times its
Beanie Babies. I thought that if I could just resist theoriginal cost. A complete collection of Beanie Babies
urge to poke fun and ignore their existence long(600 in all) is valued at $100,000. Here are the top
enough, they would eventually go the way often most valuable.As further proof of the need for
Cabbage Patch Dolls and Tickle Me Elmos. Of course,an organization like Beanie Babies Anonymous,read
ignoring them didn't work and I should have knownthe following transcripts and media accounts of how
better. I've been ignoring my kids for years andBeanie Baby Mania is affecting our world.From the
they're still around, standing right outside theDisassociated Press:
bathroom door, pounding on it, asking me what I'mOAK BROOK, IL (DP): Shares in McDonald's Corp.
reading in there. My oldest caught me looking at therose to a 52-week high Wednesday in response to
newspaper on the front porch the other day andthe news that the fastfood giant will stop selling food
asked if I shouldn't be doing that in private. I think it'seffective immediately and will instead become the
time to talk boarding school. Russian boarding school.nations top retailer of Beanie Babies. McDonald's stock
But first, comrade, back to the subject at hand.Ijumped over three dollars per share after the
think Beanie Babies are cute, cuddly little creatures,announcement. A company spokesman said, "Nobody
and I will admit to having spent a few of my hard-wants our food anymore, but everybody wants
earned dollars on Beanies for my baby girl to playBeanie Babies. The change just makes sense."Tom
with (I can hear many of you screaming, "They'reBrokaw, NBC Nightly News:
not meant to be played with!"). But never have I sat"Addressing a large crowd in Lahore, Pakistan on
outside a McDonald's at two in the morning waitingSaturday, Pakistani Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif
for it to open so I could get an Egg McMuffin and adefended his country's decision to detonate six
Teenie Beanie to go. And I apologize in advance if Inuclear devices last week and said that Pakistan will
insult anyone, but I think people who go to suchcontinue nuclear testing until India signs the "No Nuke"
great lengths to buy a child's toy need help. Andtest treaty and the Ty Corporation gives every man,
that's what this column is all about.You see, mywoman and child in Pakistan a Nana the Monkey
sister, a normally sane, rational human being, is awashBeanie Baby. More now from Christiana Amonpour in
in the Beanie Baby craze. She has tiny syntheticLahore..."Bernard Shaw, CNN Headline News:
pellets racing through her veins and they are starting"This just in: Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr has
to affect every facet of her life. She is the reason Iannounced that he is issuing subpoenas to executives
am willing to break my vow of ignorance and speakof the Ty Corporation, the company that markets
out against these demons in plush clothing. TheBeanie Babies. Starr claims his investigations have
thought of her sitting outside a Hallmark store atrevealed that President Clinton gave Monica Lewinsky
three in the morning staring blindly at a dog- eareda 'Grunt the Razorback Pig' Beanie Baby as a gift
copy of "The Beanie Baby Bible" just sends chillsafter a sexual encounter in the White House."Mike
down my spine. The woman needs help, my friends,Wallace, 60 Minutes:
and I am willing to take on the task at hand.So, to"The Ty Corporation, the company that sells Beanie
help my dear sister and the millions of others whoBabies, is so secretive that not even the US
have fallen under the spell of Beanie Baby mania, Igovernment knows who is in charge. The company
am officially founding Beanie Babies Anonymous, ancontinually refused our requests for interviews and, in
organization dedicated to helping you just say no toan anonymously-signed statement, said that, quote,
Beanie Babies. BBA will follow a simple 4-step'...if you do not immediately cease with your
program designed to help even the most severely-investigation into our operation we will have no choice
addicted junkie kick his/her Beanie Baby habit.Herebut to send out a very large blue bear to bite your
are the 4 steps of BBA. Follow them to the letterhead off.' Unquote."Dan Rather, CBS Evening News:
and soon your life will be yours to live again:Step 1)"Good evening. The bottom fell out of the Beanie
Admit you have a problem: The first step in anyBaby market today when it was revealed that the
recovery program is admitting that you have aman in charge of the Ty Corporation, the mysterious
problem. Here are the three warning signs of Beaniecompany behind the popular line of plush toys, is
Baby Addiction. If you can relate to at least one ofnone other than Microsoft CEO Bill Gates himself.
them, you are a Beanie Baby Junkie.(1) You wouldCompeting manufacturers of teddy bears and other
willingly camp out all night outside a McDonald's in theplush toys have come out accusing Gates of trying
highest crime district in town just to be the first into monopolize the plush toy industry, prompting the
line on Teenie Beanie day.Justice Department to order an immediate
(2) You have no qualms about snatching Beanieinvestigation."Alright, I made those up. But the
Babies from the hands of little children and if it makesfollowing accounts are real, as reported by the
them cry, well tough patootie! AndAssociated Press:Forty guns were handed over to
(3) If you can't swing a dead cat (is there a deadpolice in Kanakakee, Ill., in exchange for Teenie
cat Beanie?) anywhere in your house without hittingBeanie Babies, miniature versions of Beanie Babies
a display of Beanie Babies, you have a problem. A biggiven out by McDonald's as a Happy Meals premium.
problem.The no-questions-asked swap brought in 23 pistols
Step 2)and 17 shotguns in one day.In an attempt to thwart
Admit that your addiction is harmful to others:the smuggling in of Beanie Babies available only in
You've probably been too busy feeding that BeanieCanada, the U.S. Customs Service strictly enforces a
Baby monkey on your back to notice that the restone-Beanie rule. "A consumer is allowed to have one
of your life has gone to pot. Your addiction not onlyBeanie Baby for personal use every 30 days,'' says
affects you, but those closest to you. Have yourCustoms officer Ralph Hackney. Any more are
children moved in with relatives because you forgotsubject to seizure.Customs agents seized an incoming
to fix dinner eighteen nights in a row because youshipment at O'Hare International Airport last
were busy dusting the tags in your Beanies' ears? DidDecember. Their catch: 456 imitations of Beanie
you angrily take the family dog to the pound andBabies. Most were fake versions of "Grunt," the toy
order them to "Gas the SOB!" just because hered razorback pig that is considered a collector's
growled at your Princess Di Beanie Bear? Have youitems and sells for as much as $130 each.The
been served with divorce papers that contain theMinnesota Better Business Bureau runs a Beanie Baby
phrase "refuses to consummate marriage because ithotline to warn consumers of suspected counterfeits.
would disturb Happy the Hippo's nap?" If so, you
owe everyone you know a big apology, especiallyBasketball's Philadelphia 76ers handed out 5,000
your dog, God rest his soul.Beanies to children 12 and under during a game this
Step 3)year against the Golden State Warriors. It was only
Cast the snake from the garden: This is perhaps thethe second sellout game of the 76ers season. The
most difficult, yet most important mile marker on theother was against the Michael Jordan and the Bulls.A
road to recovery. This is where you rid your life ofcrowd of thousands lined up outside a store in San
the furry, little monsters that have almost driven youMateo, Calif., for the chance to buy new and retired
to the point of no return. Follow my directions to theBeanie Babies at below-market prices. The store
letter and do it quickly, without thinking, because ifgave out tickets, then called out random numbers.
you stop to think about what you're doing, yourThose selected got to go in and buy the toys for
addiction will take the upper hand and you will be lost$5.99 each.Burglars broke into a suburban Chicago
again. With that in mind, here is the biggest step youhome in mid-April. They left the TV, stereo and most
must take: Box up every Beanie Baby you own,other valuables, but made off with a gold ring and a
especially Peanut the Elephant and Brownie the Bear,number of Beanie Babies, all valued at $4,000.In
and send them to me, Tim Knox, Director of BeanieOrange County, California, owners of a collectibles
Babies Anonymous, in care of this website. Send meshop were treated and released for head injuries in
your kids' Beanie Babies, too! I will take these vileearly April after being clubbed with an iron barbell by
creatures and dispose of them for you free ofthieves who made off with $6,000 worth of rare
charge so that they will never infect the lives ofBeanie Babies.The final divorce decree for Randy and
normal people again. Don't forget, box them up andJan Staffan of Minneapolis stated that he got the
send them to me as soon as possible. I guaranteehouse, much of its furnishings, and a few vehicles.
that both our lives will be enriched.She got to keep her salon business and half the
Step 4) Spread the gospel to others: This is the finalcouple's Beanie Babies.Shocking, isn't it? Friends, let's
step in overcoming Beanie Baby Addiction. You muststop this madness before it's too late.Send those
go out into the world and tell everyone you meetBeanie Babies to me today!From "Small Business
the story of your addiction. Give witness to theQ&A" With Tim Knox
masses. Show them the light. Have them send theirTim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur, author,
Beanie Babies to me. You are getting sleepy...speaker, and radio show host.
Remember, if you can change the life of just oneTim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs realize
person and they in turn pass the message along totheir business dreams.